Knowing when to sleep with a guy is powerful information. But what if you made a mistake? Can it be fixed? Can the relationship still be salvaged if you slept with him too soon?
Hey Claire! Do men feel a disrespect for women who have sex with them too early (2nd date)? I am very interested in a man I met a month ago. Needless to say, the attraction is over the top. I NEVER sleep with men I am not in relationship with…until now. I feel like he will not respect me and I now feel like I should tell him I have lost respect for myself. Thoughts? Thanks! - Jaymie
First, MOST women want more than a casual fling. Just like you, Jaymie, most women want an actual relationship; the kind of connection that – with the right man — grows into a committed, long-term thing. So you were swimming around in all those pheromones and jump-in-the-sack chemicals (his and yours), and you let yourself do something you don’t normally do. Well…
Everyone makes mistakes. We all do things that make us slap our foreheads and think, “I can NOT believe I did that!” So try not to beat yourself up too much about it. The two of you were both hot and bothered and you followed your animal instincts and did the deed. Usually you think more clearly about these things, but this time… Well, it happens. Like they say down here in the South, “It ain’t a hanging crime.”
And, not every guy feels the same about this. It’s just not possible to say every man will toss a woman into the “casual hookup” category (although lots will). Sure, maybe he’s like that, but he might also be a fairly enlightened guy who had a great time and hopes he’ll get to know you more in the future. I’m just saying it’s possible.
So, if you want to try and salvage something from this, how you handle things immediately after is critical.
1. DON’T bemoan your mistake or tear yourself down in front of him.
Don’t ever deliver a list of all your mistakes and shortcomings to a boyfriend (especially a guy you hardly know). That just makes you look less capable and more needy. It diminishes you in his eyes, and doesn’t help your own self-esteem, either.
In fact, that kind of quick self-condemnation can get you into a relationship with a very creepy controller/abuser type pretty fast, and those relationships are dangerous and hard to escape without help.
Chalk it up to a learning experience. But don’t put yourself down in front of him or any other man.
2. DON’T act like it’s a huge deal, but be clear about what you want.
Do men feel a disrespect for women who have sex with them too early? Sometimes, perhaps. A more accurate way to put it would be to say that they are glad to get the sex, but they typically take you out of consideration for an LTR or serious relationship. There are only a few exceptions to that rule.
It’s probably going to come up in conversation, especially if he hopes to make it happen again. Most guys will start calling and texting regularly, hoping to get lucky again. If you want more, don’t give in to the bootie call.
Let him know you liked getting busy with him, but you want more than just great sex with a man. And don’t be afraid to invite him out for a “regular” date.
Whatever you say, keep it complimentary, brief, and clear.
“You were amazing that night. I admit I don’t usually go so far so fast with a guy. But the sight of those broad shoulders of yours… I’m going to have to wait and see if you’re really the kind of man I can be more serious with. By the way, I’m headed to the music festival downtown this Saturday. Interested in coming along?”
3. DO keep on having a fabulous life.
Here’s the hard part. You can’t bring everything to a screeching halt while you hold your breath and plead with all the dating gods to magically transform him into your prince.
You barely know this guy, and you’re not likely to know whether he’s your forever man until the two of you have been though much more than this together. So meanwhile, keep dating. Enjoy your fabulous life. Be the woman every man wishes he could win!
That in itself is intensely attractive!
0 comments:
Post a Comment